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Magnum Ice Cream Bars

Really, you guys went with that? Did your pervy marketing dept guys not catch it or did you intentionally do this? Either way it’s funny.

SO for those of you who don’t know, these are supposedly exquisite chocolate ice cream bars. Premium if you will. Yet I wonder?

Just how good can a product be when it name is Magnum? Yeah the name of Trojan’s “Large Size” Condoms. Uhhh. .. Seriously, these things are Huge Chocolate Poles that people put in their mouths.  

Now I am all for women putting things in their mouths especially ice cream(well at least for the visual). What dude in his right mind doesn’t want to watch this? Every guy right now reading this is already visualizing this. Thinking, “Damn lookit that shit!” Girls you have a way about you. I dunno what it is. . . .

Every time I see a Lady eating a banana, licking a popsicle, or taking on a chocolate ice cream bar I am just stupefied. It’s awesome!! Especially if it’s messy! Ohh Gods! Then the innuendo is just too much for literary explanation.”(But I’ll try)

It is like this. . . .

. Opening her mouth with expectant exhilaration she drives the cold delight toward her waiting full pouty lips. They gently slide over the bitter-sweetly enrobed confection. Deep inside now, its richness begins to excite her pleasure centers; tickling them into a slow burning frenzy. As she releases it from her chocolate slicked labia, a small trail of white creamy deliciousness slides from the tip and down the side, to delicately drip across her fingers holding the shaft. She takes another bite as the first registers with pleading desire in her mind. Electric shivers fire out through her toes as they curl in animal passion. Her second bite is even better than the first. Hard cold and sweet slithers past her oral vestibule gliding across her tongue in excruciating rapture, enticing from her yet another shiver of pleasure, and her body tightens with anticipatory delight. Elegantly, her teeth rake across the enrobed creamy center dipping just deep enough to partake of the internal overpowering ecstasy. The she begins to lose control, tossing her hair wildly she continues; taking mouthful after delicious mouthful in sensuous abandon. White cream and dark chocolate smear in a heated battle for dominance over her blushed cheeks. A final nibble remains, she dives down one more time taking it all in her mouth in the rush. As it releases from the shaft she finds her pinnacle of passion and gasps in a euphoric explosion. From her wild recklessness the liquid remains of her pleasure have slicked and gushed out over her feverish hands layering them with sticky evidence of her indiscretion. The shaft spent, she drops her hands from their work and limply collapses backward in the afterglow of bliss. Heady sensations of fuzzy delight thrill through her body, each one a powerful shudder of wonder and elation.

Holy crap I need a smoke WOW! . . .  BRB. . .

Okay, every guy reading this, “You’re Welcome!” ½ the girls are disgusted by my gratuitous description, but all of them are wishing they had some sweet chocolate dairy confection like I described.

When I started ½ an hour ago this post was gonna be about the ludicrousness of the Magnum name. Yet, maybe they are onto something. Hey sex sells! Damn I wish I had an ice cream bar right now. Okay then. . . .  Good job Unilever! Now lessee if you can market SURF detergent like this.

I can see it now. . .

Hot girl scantily clad in Daisy Dukes  and a short shirt (short enough for plenty of under boob if she stretches up) or a Manly clean shaven guy in Tight jeans and no shirt (muscles rippling like waves crashing together on the beach) sweatily laboring over the laundry in the basement. Leaning against the washer as it pounds into a spin cycle. . . or muscularly lifting the giant laundry basket to the. . . okay I’ll stop. . . . maybe that’s not quite right. . .

I gotta get me some Magnum Ice Cream just to see. Although I’ll probably be disappointed. . . Ice Cream just isn’t as good as sex. But according to Unilever it’s a close second.

To EVERY Corvette Driver I have ever met

Freshly Showered and now full of piss and vinegar!!!

Inspired by Cee-Lo I now SAY “Fuck you!”

Fuck You:

            To the Asshole in the giant Chevy Stump Jumper Who pulled out so far into the intersection that he wasn’t even on the God Damn Button. We sat through two whole lights waiting for your dumb ass. Furthermore, if I hadn’t been in the “company truck” I would have gone fucking around you and left you and your over-grown Tonka Toy there to rust into oblivion, you dumb-shit!

            To the Asshole in the BMW yesterday who thought that 45 in a 30 wasn’t fast enough. I hope you wreck your fancy silver shit bullet around a telephone pole, you ass-hat.

            To the Clowns who insist upon thundering out of my parking lot like it’s green flag time at the track. I don’t care! You don’t even register high enough on the coolness scale to rate a glance from the FONZ! Especially because you drive a tuned piece of shit Honda. What do you think you are. . .  Asian!? And turn your hat straight Jerk Off!

           

            To the self important Gear-head that comes into my store bragging about his Hot Rod. “Forty pound injectors. . . Blah Gear ratio Blah, Ignition Blah, Dana 40 Blah blah.” Don’t care. You are obviously compensating for the fact that instead of Banging the Prom Queen you are tinkering around in your garage with a machine. For Christ’s sake just stick your dick in the Gas Hole and fuck it already!

           

            To EVERY Corvette Driver I have ever met. . . .  Just Fuck right off All of you!

(excepting of course my friends, you’re cool). 

            To the Tailgating Window-Lickers who can’t seem to understand following distance. Especially you fuck-holes who also fall into one of the above categories. A speed limit might be annoying but I try to follow it and I don’t tailgate. If I feel like speeding I go Around. That’s what the passing lane is for Gravel-Eater!

            To the Tailgating Window-Lickers above a second time if you also do anything with your headlights in an attempt to inform me of your very important Fuck-head status. And that you are obviously on some very important errand for which I am making you late. EAT SHIT! The only thing this does is make me go even slower, okay. I leave in time to allow for traffic etc. I got nowhere to be so urgently that I can’t further impede your ridiculous driving. Maybe you wouldn't be in such a hurry if you could see with your head up your ass!

            To the Old People who don’t look ever. Get off the damn road. If you are such a Crazy person unconcerned with your own well being you are a danger to everyone. You are why there are Busses.

           

            To the Ole People Who can’t see above the steering wheel. I am speechless.

            To the People who drive too slow(not the speed limit), try to make a left onto an obviously busy and otherwise congested thoroughfare, or can’t even make a right when there’s no traffic, you are the biggest Pussies. People like you shouldn’t even be walking unescorted, let alone driving.

            Finally, to the asshole that keeps their brights on while following me at night. I’m not reading while driving even though I carry a copy of Ivanhoe with me for just such an occasion. I should mount a 1,000,000 Candlepower Spot light on my rear deck.  Lessee how you like it, Fuck Stick!

Ahh All better now. Hope I covered the basics, Anyone else will just have to wait their turn. If I forgot any categories please feel free to include them in the comments below.

What ties us all together as Humans is our misguided, but deep-rooted, belief that we are good drivers! Happy Motorvating!

A Drink cup full of Awesome Sauce!

So… The last post was kinda heavy and fraught with profane linguistics. To remunerate any disgruntlement please ruminate on the following.

Yesterday was a day of domesticity. To wit I: cleaned house, did dishes, washed and folded laundry, retrieved younglings, and cooked. Pretty much a run of the mill day. What was special about yesterday and the subject of this posting is condiments. Yes. . . condiments. Many of us are familiar with the standard fare residing in our fridges. There are the requisite, Mayo(or bleeeakk Miracle whip more on this later), Mustard, Ketchup(not Catsup), Fancy mustard(read Grey Poupon . . . this always sounds gross even though it’s tasty) , Salsa, Relish, Hot sauce or Tabasco(I like Frank’s), Soy sauce(naturally brewed? WTF? Is there another way?), Teriyaki or Sukiyaki, Pickles, Sauerkraut. . . various cheeses and the list goes on.

This is the story of a less common yet completely and altogether more magnificent condiment. . . GOOP! 

Yes

GOOP!

For those who are not Olympia Locals let me explain. There is a Ma & Pa Burger Joint by the name of Eagan’s or Big Tom’s (either name will suffice). It is the best Burger and Fast Food eatery in existence. Yes better than Dick’s. Yes better than the In and Out Burger. When you taste a “BIG TOM” after your first bite you wonder why you ever eat any Corporate Burgers EVER! But I Digress. Their special condiment of choice is GOOP!

Now I Don’t know what GOOP really is. They won’t pony up the recipe because it is actually a trade secret. Originally, it was invented and manufactured by the Founder(BIG TOM)’s wife. Since then the recipe has been a closely guarded secret and I believe is now insured by Lloyd’s of London, (joking, joking no libel suits please). It is stupendously fantastic.

As I said previously I don’t know what’s in it but I can venture a few guesses as to its ingredients. Definitely some kind of white dressing, diced green thingies that taste like pickles, diced white thingies that taste like mild onions, some sort of yellow additive, and well some secret herbs and spices. 

Moving on. . .

Yesterday, I planned to have Fish sandwiches and chips(fries for you Yanks)  for supper as I have a Deep fryer and the blood has just been flying right through my arteries. However, I had no tartar sauce. How can one have Fried Fish patties on bread with no Tartar sauce? Easy. . . GOOP! So I boarded my personal motorized conveyance and motorvated on down to my local Eagan’s. There I asked the smart young cutie just how much GOOP she would be willing to sell me. (Extra GOOP with your order comes in 2oz plastic lidded cups for 50cents) She inquired as to the relative size of container I wished to obtain. I hemmed and hahhed over a syrup container size-ish. She suggested a 20 oz drink cup. I agreed. SO for 7$ U.S. I drove home with a drink cup full of Awesome Sauce! Yes Awesome Sauce! I did refrain from asking for a straw with my cup full of Ambrosia as she may have gagged. However, I did toy with the idea of a GOOP shake for almost 3 full seconds before realizing that it would be a waste of precious resources.

IN short Supper was the best Fish and Chips I have had in some time thanks to GOOP!

It goes great in sandwiches, on fries, Jesus it’s even good just smeared on some fucking white bread!

So if you have not yet experienced GOOP. . . do yourselves a freaking favor and Motor on down to Olympia Washington, grab a bite at Eagan’s Drive in, and Don’t Forget the extra GOOP!

P.S. I did say I would get back to the Mayonnaise Miracle Whip dichotomy/argument. In short. . . Mayo Rocks. . . Miracle Whip not so much. It’s not that I don’t like Miracle Whip I just don’t prefer it. Furthermore, I cannot understand why people do. If you like tangy white stuff just. . .

Wait for it. . .

Still waiting. . .

Get your mind out of the gutter, just put plain yogurt on your bread. And, wait there’s a whole group of people who don’t like White dressing of any kind. WTF is wrong with these people? What do you put on your bread? What goes in your boloney sandwiches other than mustard? Butter!!!! Are you effing serious. . . Butter!!!! Now wait just one damn minute! I realize that the secret to good cooking is in fact Butter. And butter can make the most amazing, super-fantastic, tremendous, miraculous PB & J ever crafted (try it. . . make it like mine. . . so sloppy you need a fork!)  But Butter has NO PLACE IN A BOLONEY SANDWICH! YUCK!! EWWW! Makes me want to scrape my tongue. Gawd how awful!

Okay I tolerate Miracle whip if there ain’t no Mayo left, but Christ, at least I don’t put butter on boloney.

And just saying. . . . for those of you who don’t like sauerkraut. . . Fuck you!

Infecting others with their brain rot

*sigh*

SO now we have another national budget passed, and the goofy-ass retards “we”  “elected” can be paid exorbitant sums for seeing how far they shove each other’s head up their ass for another 6 months. It seems that the older I get the more distasteful and asinine politics seems to get. Am I just paying more attention or is it really becoming a punchbowl full of turds?

Sometimes I think we really did lock up all the “sane people” and let the crazies out to run things. How in hell do these lazy motherfuckers get away with arguing so much and achieving so little. Goddammit! If I were this fucking lazy. . . If I did so little work that my company was forced to close my Goddam store I would be fired, . . . fucking FIRED!! No shut down, no negotiation, no re-election FUCKING FIRED!

But this particular episode of governmental chicanery is passed. Yet, after viewing “The Daily Show” last night and further Google searches this morning to develop my vitriolic venom’s potency, I have a new bitch.

J. Crew apparently put out a simple picture of their marketing ladies, Beckett by name, playing with her son. I’ve seen the picture. Okay so the kid has painted toenails. And. . . yeah their hot pink. Okay. Mom playing with son. Neat another shameless bid to pull at the heart strings of consumers with too much money to waste on expensive sweatshop clothes. Nothing new here and this isn’t my primary gripe anyway . . . no No NO

According to the fucking(I wish I had a stronger word) useless, shit brained, half-witted, overpaid, mentally incompetent assholes that some media outlets employ. . . this picture is going to be the downfall of the U.S.

Hot pink toe nails on a 5 year old boy is the ruination of all decency! Jesus on a Cracker! Break out the rifles, barricade the doors, board up the windows the fucking loonies are coming to “gay” up our entire lifestyle and break down our established Victorian gender roles. Ohh my GOD!

These uninformed, sensationalist, windbags need to be drug out into the street. . . horse whipped, beat with a lead pipe, brained with a candle stick, stabbed, hung, and shot.

Really!? Fucking Really!!!?

These dipshits even went so far as to stretch this simple photo of a woman playing with her son into a diatribe on. . .  get this. . “trans-gendered children.” Are you fucking serious!? Trans-gendered Children?

SO when my son wears his sister’s night gown because it’s got cool monkeys on it, is he “transgendered.” When I get my toenails painted “hooker red” after my pedicure am I “transgendered” ( I do BTW)

Now I’ve got my own difficulty with gender roles in the country. There is no reason why men and women can’t do the same jobs, get paid equal wages, and otherwise be viewed as adult equals in most arenas. I say most because I seriously doubt that any man, after seeing childbirth, would want to go through that. And I also think that to fight gender stereotyping in this country maybe women could be a little more creative. Putting on a man tailored suit and going out into a male dominated business world and fucking acting like a bull-dyke even if she’s not, is that really all you can think of? Women don’t need to be bitches to get their way. Actually I’m more inclined to treat a woman deferentially if she acts like one. Or at least treats me like I’m not 6 years old but in fact and adult. But that is another rant.

These media shit-heels should be censored. I know I know . . I still rant on and on about censorship and how its evil. Well okay it is. But damn. . .  to abuse a media outlet and let people who are part of the fucking problem further exacerbate gender inequality by even alluding to the fact that hot pink toenails on a kid is somehow a slippery slope into Gehenna is reprehensible in the extreme.

I don’t hate so much that people are saying this nonsensical idiocy. If it were a couple people in my own circle of acquaintances I could chalk it up to the simple, “well you’re a fucking nutter.” And leave it at that.

The very fact that this particular non-story melodramatic fear campaign was peddled on MAJOR NETWORKS, is ludicrous and makes me want to puke. Was it a slow news day? Were we already tired of the world coming apart at the seams and people dying from our own arrogant warmongering that we needed to INVENT some hysteria? I have a problem with this kind of crowd whipping because, I know how stupid the average person is, and well, half of them are more stupid than that. SO this kind of mock-scandal has a way of getting people who have no business in real society all wound up about stupid shit that doesn’t make any sense(although I don’t know if I am either). However, these people have a way of infecting others with their brain rot, and so on until I think I’m the crazy one.

Isn’t this kind of thing what we have a president for? To step in when shit gets ridiculous and put a stop to it? If I were king. . . . .

Each and every Network that wholesaled this irrational twaddle would be taken off the air for 12 hours and every person involved in the chain from the initial reporter all the way through to the broadcaster, execs included, would be slapped repeatedly until they either got some sense or were unconscious.

Oh and a side note. . . to all the Jesus Freaks out there. KIETH ABLOW himself weighed in on this particular non-news story. . . I quote, “This is a dramatic example of the way that our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity.”

Wait a second. . . . It’s a picture of a little boy with pink toenails, not a drag queen.

Organized religion, making stupid people more stupid since the creation!

Okay, I’m done now. (it was either this lame close or Fuck you!) I chose the tamer of the two.

50% actual words

Overheard last night on TruTV

“That set was mad dope yo!”

What has the English language come to?

Perhaps this individual meant to say, “Your performance appeared to be insane mentally deficient stunts randomly performed without regard as to flow or theme!”

Although from the audience reaction and the performing group’s reaction apparently the rough translation into actual English was closer to, “I am stunned to incoherence by your scintillating costumery, acrobatically difficult, and thematically seamless performance. Congratulations!”

Either way the original statement is just another example of the constant slaughtering of the emerging dominant language. (although this last statement is up for debate). The slang of the current pop culture is without a doubt the least comprehensible of any current manifestations. Yes yes  I know I sound stuffy. But how can we take seriously any idiot that uses only 50% actual words in any sentence!?”

I am not advocating any kind of language police(maybe I am). However, why do we as concerned citizens of our culture allow such radical departures from proper speech. I am consistently amazed with how small the average person’s vocabulary is. I used the word, piquant in a sentence to describe the chemical “hotness” of my latest culinary( it’s kyoo lin airy) masterpiece. My fellow gourmands then proceeded to ridicule my diction by proclaiming that piquant was simply a smart person’s way of inadequately illuminating the various nuances relating as to taste and aroma. As one fellow put it “It’s too damn hot!”

 My word choice and method of phrasing has been noted at times as being unconventional but I have cultivated this in the hopes that perhaps I will reach more people through their aural receptivity. Acting alone, I quest for better vocabulary and language mastery.

Why do the popular culture sycophants insist on reducing our culture to monosyllabic verbal ejaculations? (yeah I said it . . . . ejaculations. Read Robert E. Howard; there’s a novelist who could use it without embarrassment or derision).

I am left with a faint but deeply abiding bitter taste. Because I know I cannot stop it. Please please please teach your children proper articulation and provide for them the largest vocabulary you can. Then we can truly bestride the world as linguistic Colossuses, (or at least we’ll sound appropriately pretentious/pompous).

Watching our language fail this way is like watching your favorite dessert crash to the floor after 10 hours of work in Slow motion. Profound disappointment, mixed with pity, and an impotent slow-burning rage. Sometimes it’s so bad I have to stop eating and face-palm. So in closing. . .

“Oh stewardess! I speak jive.”

Hammer Toe= Un-dateable

Second hand from my kids:

   While waiting for my GF to finish up in the store my kids waiting in the van were treated to an awesome example of stupidity.  Some crazy bird attempted to negotiate a rock filled median in the parking lot wearing get this. . . .HOOKER HEELS! Seriously!? WTF!?
So this chick stumbles and does a face plant into the pavement breaking her nose!! My kids were treated to the arrival of 2 aid cars and a Fire engine. to administer to this dumb broad! I wish i had been there to laugh. Is it cruel to laugh at some one's obvious stupidity and the subsequent penalties Karma invokes for not having thought things through quite well enough. Let's break this down. . . .
1st Why in hell did she decide to cross the rock filled median? This is an admittedly poor footing choice even with everything else being equal. I too am subjected to Mistress Gravity's harsh remonstrances for attempting such crossings. twisted ankles, hyper extended knees etc. SO what makes this loony nutter go nancing across an obviously treacherous obstacle? The bloody level pavement was only 5 feet away!
2nd This is western Washington folks. Everything here is either damp or downright sopping wet. Wet footing = trip and fall = you looking like an ass! The phenomenal lack of proper judgement here is too gargantuan for literary description. Add to the wet the aforementioned ROCKS, and you have a disaster Scylla just opening its maw.
3rd and most importantly, why heels? I would like to lead a crusade against any kind of heel over 1inch high. I am so tired of women wearing heels. It looks fucking retarded. They make you walk on your tip toes, twist your ankles, blow out your knees, and cause hammer toe. Hammer toe= un-dateable. . . period. Guys if you like women wearing heels get your fucking head examined. This is without a doubt the worst trend in all of fashion. It is as bad as foot binding. Jesus in Jail!
An example:
     I was sitting at lunch the other day enjoying a homemade sammich when two young ladies pulled up to my store. I observed both travelling north from the south POV. The One wearing Heels was attractive until she started walking. Hips swayed like third semi trailer about to come loose. This image is not at all appealing. Her ass looked like it might fall off at any given time. She walked like she had a rod up her brown-eye and one look at her face gave me the impression she'd just smelled a bad fart.
Lady number two, got out in sensible shoes of a flat design, Keds maybe or Sketchers. Less sway same great hips, but in a hypnotic and appealing way like Palm trees in a gentle breeze. NO expression of extreme distaste but one of busy woman about town.
Who would you rather be? or for guys who would you rather talk to? If the answer is anything but Lady #2 you will find deep and abiding fleas in uncomfortable places within the hour.
I just don't get it. . . . The fashion industry is to blame too. All these skinny bitches strutting around in nighties and heels with no tits or ass. How sad has our world become.
Women don't wear heels, no matter what your piggish chauvinist men tell you, or your fashionista rag mags try to convince you with glossy anorexic waif zombie ads. Buy flat, wear flats, if you want to be even more sexy take off your damn shoes and go barefoot.
Men shut your cake holes and let your women be comfy. You'll get a lot more "polish the pickle" if she's not looking like you just blew an air biscuit up her nose.
Yep that's my story, fixing the world's obvious problems that others seem to ignore.
Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.