A Drink cup full of Awesome Sauce!

So… The last post was kinda heavy and fraught with profane linguistics. To remunerate any disgruntlement please ruminate on the following.

Yesterday was a day of domesticity. To wit I: cleaned house, did dishes, washed and folded laundry, retrieved younglings, and cooked. Pretty much a run of the mill day. What was special about yesterday and the subject of this posting is condiments. Yes. . . condiments. Many of us are familiar with the standard fare residing in our fridges. There are the requisite, Mayo(or bleeeakk Miracle whip more on this later), Mustard, Ketchup(not Catsup), Fancy mustard(read Grey Poupon . . . this always sounds gross even though it’s tasty) , Salsa, Relish, Hot sauce or Tabasco(I like Frank’s), Soy sauce(naturally brewed? WTF? Is there another way?), Teriyaki or Sukiyaki, Pickles, Sauerkraut. . . various cheeses and the list goes on.

This is the story of a less common yet completely and altogether more magnificent condiment. . . GOOP! 

Yes

GOOP!

For those who are not Olympia Locals let me explain. There is a Ma & Pa Burger Joint by the name of Eagan’s or Big Tom’s (either name will suffice). It is the best Burger and Fast Food eatery in existence. Yes better than Dick’s. Yes better than the In and Out Burger. When you taste a “BIG TOM” after your first bite you wonder why you ever eat any Corporate Burgers EVER! But I Digress. Their special condiment of choice is GOOP!

Now I Don’t know what GOOP really is. They won’t pony up the recipe because it is actually a trade secret. Originally, it was invented and manufactured by the Founder(BIG TOM)’s wife. Since then the recipe has been a closely guarded secret and I believe is now insured by Lloyd’s of London, (joking, joking no libel suits please). It is stupendously fantastic.

As I said previously I don’t know what’s in it but I can venture a few guesses as to its ingredients. Definitely some kind of white dressing, diced green thingies that taste like pickles, diced white thingies that taste like mild onions, some sort of yellow additive, and well some secret herbs and spices. 

Moving on. . .

Yesterday, I planned to have Fish sandwiches and chips(fries for you Yanks)  for supper as I have a Deep fryer and the blood has just been flying right through my arteries. However, I had no tartar sauce. How can one have Fried Fish patties on bread with no Tartar sauce? Easy. . . GOOP! So I boarded my personal motorized conveyance and motorvated on down to my local Eagan’s. There I asked the smart young cutie just how much GOOP she would be willing to sell me. (Extra GOOP with your order comes in 2oz plastic lidded cups for 50cents) She inquired as to the relative size of container I wished to obtain. I hemmed and hahhed over a syrup container size-ish. She suggested a 20 oz drink cup. I agreed. SO for 7$ U.S. I drove home with a drink cup full of Awesome Sauce! Yes Awesome Sauce! I did refrain from asking for a straw with my cup full of Ambrosia as she may have gagged. However, I did toy with the idea of a GOOP shake for almost 3 full seconds before realizing that it would be a waste of precious resources.

IN short Supper was the best Fish and Chips I have had in some time thanks to GOOP!

It goes great in sandwiches, on fries, Jesus it’s even good just smeared on some fucking white bread!

So if you have not yet experienced GOOP. . . do yourselves a freaking favor and Motor on down to Olympia Washington, grab a bite at Eagan’s Drive in, and Don’t Forget the extra GOOP!

P.S. I did say I would get back to the Mayonnaise Miracle Whip dichotomy/argument. In short. . . Mayo Rocks. . . Miracle Whip not so much. It’s not that I don’t like Miracle Whip I just don’t prefer it. Furthermore, I cannot understand why people do. If you like tangy white stuff just. . .

Wait for it. . .

Still waiting. . .

Get your mind out of the gutter, just put plain yogurt on your bread. And, wait there’s a whole group of people who don’t like White dressing of any kind. WTF is wrong with these people? What do you put on your bread? What goes in your boloney sandwiches other than mustard? Butter!!!! Are you effing serious. . . Butter!!!! Now wait just one damn minute! I realize that the secret to good cooking is in fact Butter. And butter can make the most amazing, super-fantastic, tremendous, miraculous PB & J ever crafted (try it. . . make it like mine. . . so sloppy you need a fork!)  But Butter has NO PLACE IN A BOLONEY SANDWICH! YUCK!! EWWW! Makes me want to scrape my tongue. Gawd how awful!

Okay I tolerate Miracle whip if there ain’t no Mayo left, but Christ, at least I don’t put butter on boloney.

And just saying. . . . for those of you who don’t like sauerkraut. . . Fuck you!

Infecting others with their brain rot

*sigh*

SO now we have another national budget passed, and the goofy-ass retards “we”  “elected” can be paid exorbitant sums for seeing how far they shove each other’s head up their ass for another 6 months. It seems that the older I get the more distasteful and asinine politics seems to get. Am I just paying more attention or is it really becoming a punchbowl full of turds?

Sometimes I think we really did lock up all the “sane people” and let the crazies out to run things. How in hell do these lazy motherfuckers get away with arguing so much and achieving so little. Goddammit! If I were this fucking lazy. . . If I did so little work that my company was forced to close my Goddam store I would be fired, . . . fucking FIRED!! No shut down, no negotiation, no re-election FUCKING FIRED!

But this particular episode of governmental chicanery is passed. Yet, after viewing “The Daily Show” last night and further Google searches this morning to develop my vitriolic venom’s potency, I have a new bitch.

J. Crew apparently put out a simple picture of their marketing ladies, Beckett by name, playing with her son. I’ve seen the picture. Okay so the kid has painted toenails. And. . . yeah their hot pink. Okay. Mom playing with son. Neat another shameless bid to pull at the heart strings of consumers with too much money to waste on expensive sweatshop clothes. Nothing new here and this isn’t my primary gripe anyway . . . no No NO

According to the fucking(I wish I had a stronger word) useless, shit brained, half-witted, overpaid, mentally incompetent assholes that some media outlets employ. . . this picture is going to be the downfall of the U.S.

Hot pink toe nails on a 5 year old boy is the ruination of all decency! Jesus on a Cracker! Break out the rifles, barricade the doors, board up the windows the fucking loonies are coming to “gay” up our entire lifestyle and break down our established Victorian gender roles. Ohh my GOD!

These uninformed, sensationalist, windbags need to be drug out into the street. . . horse whipped, beat with a lead pipe, brained with a candle stick, stabbed, hung, and shot.

Really!? Fucking Really!!!?

These dipshits even went so far as to stretch this simple photo of a woman playing with her son into a diatribe on. . .  get this. . “trans-gendered children.” Are you fucking serious!? Trans-gendered Children?

SO when my son wears his sister’s night gown because it’s got cool monkeys on it, is he “transgendered.” When I get my toenails painted “hooker red” after my pedicure am I “transgendered” ( I do BTW)

Now I’ve got my own difficulty with gender roles in the country. There is no reason why men and women can’t do the same jobs, get paid equal wages, and otherwise be viewed as adult equals in most arenas. I say most because I seriously doubt that any man, after seeing childbirth, would want to go through that. And I also think that to fight gender stereotyping in this country maybe women could be a little more creative. Putting on a man tailored suit and going out into a male dominated business world and fucking acting like a bull-dyke even if she’s not, is that really all you can think of? Women don’t need to be bitches to get their way. Actually I’m more inclined to treat a woman deferentially if she acts like one. Or at least treats me like I’m not 6 years old but in fact and adult. But that is another rant.

These media shit-heels should be censored. I know I know . . I still rant on and on about censorship and how its evil. Well okay it is. But damn. . .  to abuse a media outlet and let people who are part of the fucking problem further exacerbate gender inequality by even alluding to the fact that hot pink toenails on a kid is somehow a slippery slope into Gehenna is reprehensible in the extreme.

I don’t hate so much that people are saying this nonsensical idiocy. If it were a couple people in my own circle of acquaintances I could chalk it up to the simple, “well you’re a fucking nutter.” And leave it at that.

The very fact that this particular non-story melodramatic fear campaign was peddled on MAJOR NETWORKS, is ludicrous and makes me want to puke. Was it a slow news day? Were we already tired of the world coming apart at the seams and people dying from our own arrogant warmongering that we needed to INVENT some hysteria? I have a problem with this kind of crowd whipping because, I know how stupid the average person is, and well, half of them are more stupid than that. SO this kind of mock-scandal has a way of getting people who have no business in real society all wound up about stupid shit that doesn’t make any sense(although I don’t know if I am either). However, these people have a way of infecting others with their brain rot, and so on until I think I’m the crazy one.

Isn’t this kind of thing what we have a president for? To step in when shit gets ridiculous and put a stop to it? If I were king. . . . .

Each and every Network that wholesaled this irrational twaddle would be taken off the air for 12 hours and every person involved in the chain from the initial reporter all the way through to the broadcaster, execs included, would be slapped repeatedly until they either got some sense or were unconscious.

Oh and a side note. . . to all the Jesus Freaks out there. KIETH ABLOW himself weighed in on this particular non-news story. . . I quote, “This is a dramatic example of the way that our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity.”

Wait a second. . . . It’s a picture of a little boy with pink toenails, not a drag queen.

Organized religion, making stupid people more stupid since the creation!

Okay, I’m done now. (it was either this lame close or Fuck you!) I chose the tamer of the two.

50% actual words

Overheard last night on TruTV

“That set was mad dope yo!”

What has the English language come to?

Perhaps this individual meant to say, “Your performance appeared to be insane mentally deficient stunts randomly performed without regard as to flow or theme!”

Although from the audience reaction and the performing group’s reaction apparently the rough translation into actual English was closer to, “I am stunned to incoherence by your scintillating costumery, acrobatically difficult, and thematically seamless performance. Congratulations!”

Either way the original statement is just another example of the constant slaughtering of the emerging dominant language. (although this last statement is up for debate). The slang of the current pop culture is without a doubt the least comprehensible of any current manifestations. Yes yes  I know I sound stuffy. But how can we take seriously any idiot that uses only 50% actual words in any sentence!?”

I am not advocating any kind of language police(maybe I am). However, why do we as concerned citizens of our culture allow such radical departures from proper speech. I am consistently amazed with how small the average person’s vocabulary is. I used the word, piquant in a sentence to describe the chemical “hotness” of my latest culinary( it’s kyoo lin airy) masterpiece. My fellow gourmands then proceeded to ridicule my diction by proclaiming that piquant was simply a smart person’s way of inadequately illuminating the various nuances relating as to taste and aroma. As one fellow put it “It’s too damn hot!”

 My word choice and method of phrasing has been noted at times as being unconventional but I have cultivated this in the hopes that perhaps I will reach more people through their aural receptivity. Acting alone, I quest for better vocabulary and language mastery.

Why do the popular culture sycophants insist on reducing our culture to monosyllabic verbal ejaculations? (yeah I said it . . . . ejaculations. Read Robert E. Howard; there’s a novelist who could use it without embarrassment or derision).

I am left with a faint but deeply abiding bitter taste. Because I know I cannot stop it. Please please please teach your children proper articulation and provide for them the largest vocabulary you can. Then we can truly bestride the world as linguistic Colossuses, (or at least we’ll sound appropriately pretentious/pompous).

Watching our language fail this way is like watching your favorite dessert crash to the floor after 10 hours of work in Slow motion. Profound disappointment, mixed with pity, and an impotent slow-burning rage. Sometimes it’s so bad I have to stop eating and face-palm. So in closing. . .

“Oh stewardess! I speak jive.”

Hammer Toe= Un-dateable

Second hand from my kids:

   While waiting for my GF to finish up in the store my kids waiting in the van were treated to an awesome example of stupidity.  Some crazy bird attempted to negotiate a rock filled median in the parking lot wearing get this. . . .HOOKER HEELS! Seriously!? WTF!?
So this chick stumbles and does a face plant into the pavement breaking her nose!! My kids were treated to the arrival of 2 aid cars and a Fire engine. to administer to this dumb broad! I wish i had been there to laugh. Is it cruel to laugh at some one's obvious stupidity and the subsequent penalties Karma invokes for not having thought things through quite well enough. Let's break this down. . . .
1st Why in hell did she decide to cross the rock filled median? This is an admittedly poor footing choice even with everything else being equal. I too am subjected to Mistress Gravity's harsh remonstrances for attempting such crossings. twisted ankles, hyper extended knees etc. SO what makes this loony nutter go nancing across an obviously treacherous obstacle? The bloody level pavement was only 5 feet away!
2nd This is western Washington folks. Everything here is either damp or downright sopping wet. Wet footing = trip and fall = you looking like an ass! The phenomenal lack of proper judgement here is too gargantuan for literary description. Add to the wet the aforementioned ROCKS, and you have a disaster Scylla just opening its maw.
3rd and most importantly, why heels? I would like to lead a crusade against any kind of heel over 1inch high. I am so tired of women wearing heels. It looks fucking retarded. They make you walk on your tip toes, twist your ankles, blow out your knees, and cause hammer toe. Hammer toe= un-dateable. . . period. Guys if you like women wearing heels get your fucking head examined. This is without a doubt the worst trend in all of fashion. It is as bad as foot binding. Jesus in Jail!
An example:
     I was sitting at lunch the other day enjoying a homemade sammich when two young ladies pulled up to my store. I observed both travelling north from the south POV. The One wearing Heels was attractive until she started walking. Hips swayed like third semi trailer about to come loose. This image is not at all appealing. Her ass looked like it might fall off at any given time. She walked like she had a rod up her brown-eye and one look at her face gave me the impression she'd just smelled a bad fart.
Lady number two, got out in sensible shoes of a flat design, Keds maybe or Sketchers. Less sway same great hips, but in a hypnotic and appealing way like Palm trees in a gentle breeze. NO expression of extreme distaste but one of busy woman about town.
Who would you rather be? or for guys who would you rather talk to? If the answer is anything but Lady #2 you will find deep and abiding fleas in uncomfortable places within the hour.
I just don't get it. . . . The fashion industry is to blame too. All these skinny bitches strutting around in nighties and heels with no tits or ass. How sad has our world become.
Women don't wear heels, no matter what your piggish chauvinist men tell you, or your fashionista rag mags try to convince you with glossy anorexic waif zombie ads. Buy flat, wear flats, if you want to be even more sexy take off your damn shoes and go barefoot.
Men shut your cake holes and let your women be comfy. You'll get a lot more "polish the pickle" if she's not looking like you just blew an air biscuit up her nose.
Yep that's my story, fixing the world's obvious problems that others seem to ignore.
Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Sound Dad Faith

Children are without a doubt the most stressful, agonizing, and life changing job on the entire planet. It is also the most rewarding, secretly enjoyable, and terrifying. I love my children but am run ragged most days no matter how well behaved they are. However, the chance to experience the things i thought were gone forever, newly through my children's eyes is quite possibly the reason i don't choke them into unconsciousness after a particularly difficult discipline issue. I am glad every day that i am a father, but i do sometimes miss the "do as you please, come and go at will" nature of being childless. . . . until my children hug me then . . . .
well do you remember when (Jesus i sound old) we were just out of high school and we had some sort of celestial fire that lit our way. The world was our oyster and no matter how sandy and slimy it seemed we were gonna take it and make pearls whatever the cost and be damned!
Children are like that. Only not in a fiery thunderbolts from the heaven way. (although many times i think that i am paying off all the negative karma i accumulated giving my parents hell) Rather children are a soft gentle spark of the Divine wrapped in a smelly, loud, demanding blanket. It is the quiet times that i cherish the most, when we can snuggle together and watch a show one kid on each knee(this is getting more difficult they are growing like weeds). Somehow when i most need a lift my children give me a hug and some cuddles and life is okay again.
Kids are awesome, i never knew until i was a dad. Your capacity for love just grows exponentially when you have children.
Bonuses for parent hood
No fear ever of anything life throws your way. . except a constant nagging worry over your own progeny
Nothing ever grosses you out any more ever. . .I've been pissed on shit on, puked on, cleaned dog shit off hands, faces etc. you just learn to accept and deal.
You are always tired but you always seem to find some reserve of energy.
Best of all. . . . You get to be Superman. . . the way my kids look up to me like i am Zeus himself just tickles me purple!
Find a nice girl and have kids  it will do you a world of good.
Rule #1 stop chasing after crazy bitches. They are fun but by no means worthy of your attention.
Rule #2 Don't look for someone, they will fall out of the sky into your lap.
Rule #3 if you insist on looking maybe try for the girl who's always been there. Jesus dude do you not watch romantic comedies, life is actually like that, but with less shitty dialogue.
Rule#4 Take care of yourself. You must be okay with yourself before you can take care of anyone else, this is especially true of parents.
Keep the faith brother,
Remember I'm pulling for ya we're all in this together.

Earthquakes, flamers, and guilt

            Another Act of God strikes the world. Here I am safe in my snug little house watching everything unfold. Well. . 1^st things 1^st may the Gods watch over all affected by the tragic events at hand and provide for them as they need.

            Okay done now onto related topics. These are not to in any way diminish the magnitude of current events. They are only my comments and opinions as I relate them.

Thank GOD! Now maybe I won’t have to hear about the cry-babies in the US west of the Rockies as they mope about and weather(ha!) a winter that is a little more vicious than normal. Hay wake up folks IT’S WINTER! Alaskans don’t bitch so knock off the weak, sniveling why don’t you. Even up here in Washington we had a “multiple area Snow Event.” God’s Teeth! Is that a sick enough evasion for you. Now I am a wordy person but really if it’s gonna snow just say it’s gonna fucking SNOW! Get out the chains and plows and man up! And people are such pussies really. I mean over the course of our last little cold snap I must have sold 50+ sets of chains to people who probably weren’t going over 50 miles and even then were travelling well trafficked routes. BTW when you go to purchase chains please for gossakes have your flipping tire size you Jack-wagons.

SO here we are in Washington and it’s been confirmed that the Tsunami waves from Japan’s rumbler are striking as we speak. After a quick review of the available news feeds it appears that the waves in question are expected to be between 6inches and a couple feet. . . . wait wait wait. . . my arms are longer than that!! And the NWS issued an ADVISORY for this! Okay okay preemptively this is the smart thing to do. However, I’ve been to our coast many many times and those waves bigger than the predicted ones regularly. Even at my childhood beach on the Puget Sound the waves a freighter makes when it passes through the bay are at least this big. What sensational bullshit!

Now a word about the various news commentators online. Yes we’ve all heard by now it’s a terrible tragedy and yes we are praying and yes Jesus loves even you. And and and and please god stop! So We get these hypocrites who think that by commenting on the tragedy of the day they somehow absolve themselves of any real responsibility and so they feel better. We deal with these useless parasites in a minute.

Then there are the flamers. It’s nice to see that the act of inciting online rioting is still alive and well. I smile everytime some antagonist decides to mouth off offensively about whatever tragedy is striking the world. The only point they are making folks is that you weepy bleeding hearts are so easily provoked.

Back to the hypocrites. . .  Now having been enflamed by MrDicksnake at your preferred web news site you then go off and tell MrDicksnake what a “cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!”(1) And there you have it! Cycle complete. . idiots getting inflamed over idiots. Moreover, the bleeding hearts seem to take particular offense when being reminded that any natural disasters are in-fact excellent ways to thin out the gene pool. Although this is not to say it is an effective scalpel, rather these disasters are more like chopping off your arm because of a wart on your thumb. (there I said it I was just like those flamers mentioned above so what?!  Fuck you!) Why are these world helpers so incensed by this kind of behavior. They don’t like being reminded that nature is red of tooth and claw and sometimes life IS NASTY. I am pretty sure those Japanese Folks didn’t think they were gonna end up in the drink or worse when they got up that morning.

And another thing. . . . Now I am not a bleeding heart by any stretch. However, instead of running off to help the other folks thousands of miles away, why don’t we assist folks in our LOCAL communities instead. Maybe donate to the LOCAL food bank, Donate to the local relief women’s shelter, volunteer at the hospital, volunteer at a school. Lots of ways to give back to the very community you live in as opposed to saving little Hirohito all the way across the ENTIRE PACIFIC OCEAN!!!!! If you really want to brighten the day of someone thousands of miles away then for fuck’s sake send a care package to a soldier. Now I don’t necessarily agree with our current theatres of combat but I do try to help out soldiers when I can. These folks have no choice but to go where our politicians(and if I remember correctly we as in “we the people”) send them.

And BTW wherever you live there is some kind of natural disaster that frequents your geographic locale. So be prepared.

And as a final jab to the Jesus pray-ers out there Please don’t hold “vigils” to “raise awareness” I know that the world is a shitty place sometimes; I don’t need to be reminded. SO if you are thinking about doing the above. . .  Instead of trying to absolve your American guilt with an intangible ritual; donate money or volunteer. Jesus volunteered his entire life just for you. Think about it. Besides why should I care about your little causes; I’ll be in Valhalla 3 days before your god even knows you’re dead!!

At least I don’t have to hear about Haiti anymore. . . . . for awhile.

footnote 1  Clark Griswold

Cupid's Misfires

Waking up to passionate screams of "You Bastard!" and "You're a Whore!" today as channel G4 runs a marathon of "Cheaters" got me thinking about this whole phenomenon. I mean okay reality TV is brain rot anyway but this show makes me giggle and otherwise realize that there are very few adults in the world.
   1st if all anyone who hires a crew to follow and document their suspected significant others' fraudulent activities has some serious security issues. Why, in the name of all things holy, would you contact a TV show to air your dirty laundry? What kind of selfish attention mongers are these people?
   They are people ruled by the ID. According to Freud those ruled by ID are children. These people have no self restraint to deal with their problems in a civilized manner. Relationships should not and do not take precedence over making ones own life operate. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. Therefore these people are self centered jerks who shouldn't be in relationships anyway. They obviously have a deep need for some kind of self-righteous approval over their "cheating" other.
    Wait a minute. . . . Being in a relationship means giving of oneself to another over you own desires. Providing for the other person in and of itself brings you fulfillment. This is happening in NONE of the televised confrontations. Now are these relationships broken? Certainly.
   These publicity harlots should really be taking a look at themselves 1st.
 Now a little about how i perceive men and women. Women rule the world, any man who thinks otherwise is kidding and deluding himself. He is just a child thinking with the wrong head. Men must understand that women will get what they want/need either in our out of a relationship. If you are the lucky guy who is with a lady and you are providing for her in all ways then you have nothing to worry about. Be secure in the fact that she IS WITH YOU. If she didn't want to be or you are a douche-bag then she WON'T BE WITH YOU. This should be plain as day. Apparently it is not. The preceding is not to assume that men are blameless. I also mentioned Douche-baggery.
    Men if you are so wrapped up in your ill-perceived magnificence that you believe yourself a "player." For Gossake at least be honest about it. Women if he exhibits signs of "player-ness" then don't freaking think that you will be "the one" who will change him.
   This is like relationships 101. What's the first few rules that anyone who is in a happy committed relationship tells anyone else looking for such:
1) Be yourself
2) Be Honest--we're not talking about little white lies that keep everything civil we're talking about the big things---are your needs being met---if you can't differentiate then there are larger issues at hand.
3) COMMUNICATE!!
Weeping Jesus on the cross! It really is this simple. If any one of these 3 rules is broken the relationship will fail. granted sometimes it takes a while for these thing to manifest. Why? People change. However, people change only because they want to. . .  not for anybody else period.
Back to "Cheaters"  The cheating person is looking outside a relationship for something missing. Usually, it is a lack of communication between partners. If you communicate then you will be on the same page. Through communication the involved parties will find that they either do or don't share the same future vision. If there is a vast difference of vision then end the relationship and be done, don't worry about the rest, happy people are better people. Through Communication the involved parties can discern the intent of the other, #'s 1&3 are about deception. If either one is broken then partners are doomed to failure. Why is this so hard?
It is hard for 1 reason. Emotional baggage. Emotions are not in any way rational. Life is not rational either but it takes rationality to work. Therefore emotions cannot and should not rule life.
If you are okay, then you can help someone else who is okay work out and tackle life's problems together and be okay. Anything else is illusion.
Of course. . . the preceding notwithstanding sometimes people are just shitheads and there is no hope at all.