Your Bloodlines Deserve to Fail

       I got to thinking after reading a friend’s FB post that vaccinations are indeed the intelligent thing to do. Although there are plenty of people who, through some fuck-tarded thinking, have chosen to ignore reasonable medical science. Why is this?

      Well summed up it is fear. Fear of knowledge, fear of negative ramifications, fear of the unknown. Fear fear fear!

            Fear derails the rational thought process and these simple-minded folk are duped into believing whatever tripe the fear-mongers produce. Perhaps Cardinal Richelieu had it right, ‘When king and country fail the people so willing turn to their only recourse, me.’ The business of religion is just as political an institution as any government . . . concerned with controlling people. To do this, they control thought. People are so afraid of getting sick that they trust in some invisible man in the sky to protect them from whatever “Devil” threatens them. It is sad really. To see such potential limited and ultimately wasted by the only real thing we have to fear, fear.

            By my own observations, the worst decisions come from a place of fear. I do not understand this. Although I too have acted from fear; I do attempt mindful living. Often I am surprised, because it is usually never as bad as my fear tricks me into believing. We simply need to say to ourselves, “This is the world. What is, is. What will be, will be.” We can certainly act from this position of acceptance and do our best to swing the odds against disease in our favor.

            As such, the human body is an amazing machine. Yes a machine, albeit a biological one. The body can repair and heal itself, learn from experience and achieve greatness of person and character through self-mastery. However given the above, the human body can also decide that living is far too much burden and simply give up regardless of the assistance it receives.

            We can also look to mathematics for assistance in this area to see our way to a path of right-action. The sheer probability of any of us actually being here and existing at this moment is so miniscule as to defy rationality. By almost pure chance, each of us is alive today through THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of years (no I am not a creationist, just fearful fools all of them) of struggle, pain, and constant toil. History isn’t dead, YOUR (yes you!!) ancestors were alive then too. Doing everything they could to ensure the continued existence of their genetics. Who are we to defy the blood of thousands (millions) and belittle their efforts. Rather we should take those advantages offered to us and do all we can to give our heritage the meaning it deserves.

            For Gods’ sake don’t be a sheep and follow blindly where the Sheppard tells you. Jesus was a Goatherd. Sheep are stupid and must be driven, Goats are intelligent and need only be led.

            Perhaps it is the overload of information that makes these decisions so difficult. The constant barrage of information (good and bad) that invades our daily lives could be causing these mental shutdowns.  The current trend is to let programs do your deciding for you. (Is Bing creepy for anyone else? Are we just letting anyone out now, I think we need to restrict most folks only to day-passes). Instead of doing the proper job and filtering through the stuff so many people simply shut off the flow and choose(yes choose) to be led in whatever direction their chosen leader tells them. The amount of information at our disposal is gargantuan. However, your responsibility as a sentient being attempting to live to your fullest potential is to sift through it and come to rational decisions; admittedly, an unending and thankless task. As a parent it is your job and duty to your children. Period. Anything less is weak and your bloodlines deserve to fail. Yet, there it is. People are weak sheep who refuse to think. Given any individual most are intelligent and mostly charming. But mob mentality, as driven by any number of goads religion, government, media force all but the most will-full into a state of fear. All are in the business of control.

            Accepting all of the forgoing as rote is also foolish. I could be completely wrong. Vaccinations may cause autism, or worst case; the conspiracy theorists are right; we’re all being “chipped” for control by reptilian aliens. I am strong enough to admit that I am wrong if proven so. However, the arguments of the righteous are far from rational and even less than plausible. As such there is no rest for the wicked and I will do all I can to ensure the survival of my wicked spawn. . . . but maybe I’ll wear my tinfoil hat today and see if my outlook changes any.

If I’ve managed to piss any of you off today, then I’ve done my job. You are welcome.

Move your brood of whelps outta my way lady

Had a pretty goiod day last friday.

It was sunny. On a whim the 3 kids and i went to the boardwalk and did some strolling. About 1/2 way through we cruised the local farmer's market for a healthy tasty snack. As we were wending our way through the dreadlocks and flower children an old man who apparently had "chosen mobility" damn near ran over two of us!!!

What is it with the fucking motorized chair people!! Now first let me say that i am not hating on the cripples. far from it, I too have used a cart in the grocery store after my hyper-extended knee made it difficult to walk more than a few feet and nowhere without at least a cane. SO the little scooter was a good idea there. And yes I realized that some people are shitheads and don't get out of the way. But when i drove a scooter i was just assertive, and because i don't look decrepiti got a few dirty looks that I returned with added retorts of a crass nature, such as, "Move your brood of whelps outta my way lady!"
As such i understand the frustration many of these "mobility choosing" people have against us walking folks. However that is no reason to simply run over us without so much as a courteous "excuse me." Besides, its not like we were at the airport and those "cart people" have any sort of right of way. You wanna drive around and do your daily things that's fine; but don't be a dick about it.  Jesus at the very least you could use your horn, I would.
It's like thease people are shitty drivers in smaller cars. Just cutting people off and causing traffic hazards like they would if they were in a full size car. It just doesn't seem to matter what size vehicle people drive or ride, they are all shitty drivers.
For fucks sake even the bicyclists are shit heads and seem to abuse thier right of way. And why the hell do two wheeled kids toys have the right of way on a 50 mph road? Get off to the side jackass!

At some point we all snap

So I wrote in to the City transportation office a few weeks ago. I told them exactly how i felt about an intersection close to home that I drive daily. This intersection is heavily trafficked as it is one of only two ways to approach the Major regional hospital's ER. Well, this intersection also has some extremely fucked up lanes and lights. Needless to say, after multiple near misses and more than a few observed of the same, i was displeased in the extreme. So i mouthed off to the city.
   Now, about a week after this very pointed letter was shot off, the city put up pre-construction warnings AT this very intersection! Then 2 days later than that cut off all on street parking for a very populated residential area. Then for 4 fucking weeks after they did nothing!!!!
The procedure they eventually did they called, "Chip Sealing."  They tarred and gravelled the Goddamned Road!! So thanks mayor for all the loose gravel chips in my already compromised paint job and the window dings and tar splatter on the running boards!
Is it just conicidence that they decided upon some retarded road maintenence just after I mouthed off?
Now of course it isn't. And here is my proof, I would do the same thing. Tired after a week of listening to every shitty little complaint about this road and that intersection, and the roundabout over there, this poor bastard has one look at my Politely Written Venom Dripping Letter. At some point we all snap. Do I blame the guy (yes i looked it's a guy)? Not really. If it was me i would have been down to see my budget contact pretty much instantly or at least had him on the phone 1st thing. As such, i then would have found a cheap contractor for the labor and called up the asphalt folks. Thinking all the while, "Okay fuck-stick you don't like yer road the way it is? Lesse if you like it NOW!" and then let slip the dogs of war.

a bitchy Cracker Jacks prize

Fashion is without doubt the most ridiculous of all the “art” industries. It’s just clothes people! Having been subjected to countless hours of Fashion TV and the train-wrecks of programs therein several points of interest and objections are now illuminated. I find I cannot look away once a show is begun (for the most part). The melodrama these “competition programs” create is sketchy at best but still it is in macabre fascination that I continue to watch.

            Being creative by nature I appreciate the level of both technical and artistic skill the competitors often aspire to and, indeed achieve. However, without question the judges of these contests; the competitors’ very peers (or betters as some would have us believe) are the most useless, overpaid, pompous, and pretentious self-absorbed jackasses ever to be given screen time. AT their introduction to the audience these “judges” are always given some title of nincompoopery. Such as “mogul” What the fuck is a Mogul!? Well after a short search a mogul is an important person or a small bump or hill or an Indian Islamic raider.

            Regardless of their use of the word, “fierce” (say it with a lisp) these idiots are not raiders of any sort. They may well be important folk of a kind in their own business but I’ve never fucking heard of them. SO by process of elimination they must be small bumps or hills. This seems to be the case as none of them apparently are aware of their unjustified existence. Another “title” bestowed is the “*.* to the stars.” Really? Really?! If you have to name drop to prove your own importance then you aren’t very important. Jesus! Don’t ride on other people’s coattails it cheapens your own greatness (if you have any).

            Now that I’ve divested these judges of any real importance I do find one other aspect of them galling. There is never a fashion show that has any of these judges compete against one another. AT least on the Food network they had the judges of “Chopped” compete so as to prove their own worthiness to judge their peers. I’ve never seen a fashion judge in any aspect prove their mettle as it were in any way. This detracts from the legitimacy of their claims.

            Okay, going forward. I appreciate the creativeness of the competitors. I find their aspirations towards greatness enjoyable to watch. Based on their own merits many of these folks could be decent humans engaged in the business of life and pursuit of art. However, all is not well in the state of Denmark. Fashion as an art changes its whims faster than bacteria spawn on dead meat. As such these poor souls are often times subjected to “pushing the envelope” (what an asinine phrase). People really? Again they’re just CLOTHES! Attempting to be avant garde in some way with fashion leads to horrible faux pas like “sandals with socks, and and and white after labor day”(good god it’s the end of civilization) or heaven forbid UGGs. (ugliest goddam boots ever!) Not everybody should be a snow bunny especially un-hot chicks and worse than that is the Diva attitude that seems to come in every box of UGGs like a bitchy Cracker Jacks prize.

Insert segway here. . .

After all of the preamble preceding this actually I want to explain my primary gripe. . . Artists.

            First, let me say, that as a creative person, when I get my 15 minutes of fame I plan to whore myself out to the maximum extent. There will be short lived breakfast cereals and flamethrowers merchandised. Action figures with “kung fu grip,” trading cards, stickers, bobble heads, anything and everything that will garner a single dime to the future well being of me and my-own. That being said, Artists die penniless. Impoverished paupers buried in unmarked graves and thereafter are whored out by their estates. So artists need to stop kidding themselves. You may be an artist, but don’t fall into the, “It’s for the art” trap. Jesus Christ the cart-wheeling Clown! These “purists” are nauseating. Just accept that becoming a media harlot will feed you. I’ve no intention of “starving” and neither should you. Maybe if your “art” was good you wouldn’t starve. And there’s the conundrum. Art for arts’ sake is foolish. Pretentiousness treads here. Art is not meant to be taken seriously unless it contributes to the betterment of humanity and the world thus making existence sweeter and more pleasant. Art should contribute to the sum total of beauty in the world. Art should not be so crass as to invite macabre fascination. Too much of the art world is clogged with the effluvia of “shock” art. If all you can do is offend people then you are not an artist you are an asshole. Initial reactions of art might shock some people but that should not be the sole purpose of your piece. Actually, if you are angry, malcontented, or just plain ole ugly don’t let your art become the basic embodiment of this.

            Rather, instead of taking the lesser road find a path by which you can express whatever ill feelings you have through their antonyms. If you are ugly create beauty, it you are angry, create peace, if you are a malcontent then please the establishment. All of these things: WILL PAY YOU! Then you won’t starve. Artists who rely upon shock value, and insist upon the inherent legitimacy of their work should be summarily shot on the grounds of “public nuisance.” Those artists who refuse to “sell out” should be shot also.

            We create the world our children will live in and we define the lives of our progenitors. Just once I want to see all the pompous asshats have the reality of their existence come crashing down about them and watch as they self destruct into a pile of weeping misery. Just once.

Premium if you will

Magnum Ice Cream Bars

Really, you guys went with that? Did your pervy marketing dept guys not catch it or did you intentionally do this? Either way it’s funny.

SO for those of you who don’t know, these are supposedly exquisite chocolate ice cream bars. Premium if you will. Yet I wonder?

Just how good can a product be when it name is Magnum? Yeah the name of Trojan’s “Large Size” Condoms. Uhhh. .. Seriously, these things are Huge Chocolate Poles that people put in their mouths.  

Now I am all for women putting things in their mouths especially ice cream(well at least for the visual). What dude in his right mind doesn’t want to watch this? Every guy right now reading this is already visualizing this. Thinking, “Damn lookit that shit!” Girls you have a way about you. I dunno what it is. . . .

Every time I see a Lady eating a banana, licking a popsicle, or taking on a chocolate ice cream bar I am just stupefied. It’s awesome!! Especially if it’s messy! Ohh Gods! Then the innuendo is just too much for literary explanation.”(But I’ll try)

It is like this. . . .

. Opening her mouth with expectant exhilaration she drives the cold delight toward her waiting full pouty lips. They gently slide over the bitter-sweetly enrobed confection. Deep inside now, its richness begins to excite her pleasure centers; tickling them into a slow burning frenzy. As she releases it from her chocolate slicked labia, a small trail of white creamy deliciousness slides from the tip and down the side, to delicately drip across her fingers holding the shaft. She takes another bite as the first registers with pleading desire in her mind. Electric shivers fire out through her toes as they curl in animal passion. Her second bite is even better than the first. Hard cold and sweet slithers past her oral vestibule gliding across her tongue in excruciating rapture, enticing from her yet another shiver of pleasure, and her body tightens with anticipatory delight. Elegantly, her teeth rake across the enrobed creamy center dipping just deep enough to partake of the internal overpowering ecstasy. The she begins to lose control, tossing her hair wildly she continues; taking mouthful after delicious mouthful in sensuous abandon. White cream and dark chocolate smear in a heated battle for dominance over her blushed cheeks. A final nibble remains, she dives down one more time taking it all in her mouth in the rush. As it releases from the shaft she finds her pinnacle of passion and gasps in a euphoric explosion. From her wild recklessness the liquid remains of her pleasure have slicked and gushed out over her feverish hands layering them with sticky evidence of her indiscretion. The shaft spent, she drops her hands from their work and limply collapses backward in the afterglow of bliss. Heady sensations of fuzzy delight thrill through her body, each one a powerful shudder of wonder and elation.

Holy crap I need a smoke WOW! . . .  BRB. . .

Okay, every guy reading this, “You’re Welcome!” ½ the girls are disgusted by my gratuitous description, but all of them are wishing they had some sweet chocolate dairy confection like I described.

When I started ½ an hour ago this post was gonna be about the ludicrousness of the Magnum name. Yet, maybe they are onto something. Hey sex sells! Damn I wish I had an ice cream bar right now. Okay then. . . .  Good job Unilever! Now lessee if you can market SURF detergent like this.

I can see it now. . .

Hot girl scantily clad in Daisy Dukes  and a short shirt (short enough for plenty of under boob if she stretches up) or a Manly clean shaven guy in Tight jeans and no shirt (muscles rippling like waves crashing together on the beach) sweatily laboring over the laundry in the basement. Leaning against the washer as it pounds into a spin cycle. . . or muscularly lifting the giant laundry basket to the. . . okay I’ll stop. . . . maybe that’s not quite right. . .

I gotta get me some Magnum Ice Cream just to see. Although I’ll probably be disappointed. . . Ice Cream just isn’t as good as sex. But according to Unilever it’s a close second.

To EVERY Corvette Driver I have ever met

Freshly Showered and now full of piss and vinegar!!!

Inspired by Cee-Lo I now SAY “Fuck you!”

Fuck You:

            To the Asshole in the giant Chevy Stump Jumper Who pulled out so far into the intersection that he wasn’t even on the God Damn Button. We sat through two whole lights waiting for your dumb ass. Furthermore, if I hadn’t been in the “company truck” I would have gone fucking around you and left you and your over-grown Tonka Toy there to rust into oblivion, you dumb-shit!

            To the Asshole in the BMW yesterday who thought that 45 in a 30 wasn’t fast enough. I hope you wreck your fancy silver shit bullet around a telephone pole, you ass-hat.

            To the Clowns who insist upon thundering out of my parking lot like it’s green flag time at the track. I don’t care! You don’t even register high enough on the coolness scale to rate a glance from the FONZ! Especially because you drive a tuned piece of shit Honda. What do you think you are. . .  Asian!? And turn your hat straight Jerk Off!

           

            To the self important Gear-head that comes into my store bragging about his Hot Rod. “Forty pound injectors. . . Blah Gear ratio Blah, Ignition Blah, Dana 40 Blah blah.” Don’t care. You are obviously compensating for the fact that instead of Banging the Prom Queen you are tinkering around in your garage with a machine. For Christ’s sake just stick your dick in the Gas Hole and fuck it already!

           

            To EVERY Corvette Driver I have ever met. . . .  Just Fuck right off All of you!

(excepting of course my friends, you’re cool). 

            To the Tailgating Window-Lickers who can’t seem to understand following distance. Especially you fuck-holes who also fall into one of the above categories. A speed limit might be annoying but I try to follow it and I don’t tailgate. If I feel like speeding I go Around. That’s what the passing lane is for Gravel-Eater!

            To the Tailgating Window-Lickers above a second time if you also do anything with your headlights in an attempt to inform me of your very important Fuck-head status. And that you are obviously on some very important errand for which I am making you late. EAT SHIT! The only thing this does is make me go even slower, okay. I leave in time to allow for traffic etc. I got nowhere to be so urgently that I can’t further impede your ridiculous driving. Maybe you wouldn't be in such a hurry if you could see with your head up your ass!

            To the Old People who don’t look ever. Get off the damn road. If you are such a Crazy person unconcerned with your own well being you are a danger to everyone. You are why there are Busses.

           

            To the Ole People Who can’t see above the steering wheel. I am speechless.

            To the People who drive too slow(not the speed limit), try to make a left onto an obviously busy and otherwise congested thoroughfare, or can’t even make a right when there’s no traffic, you are the biggest Pussies. People like you shouldn’t even be walking unescorted, let alone driving.

            Finally, to the asshole that keeps their brights on while following me at night. I’m not reading while driving even though I carry a copy of Ivanhoe with me for just such an occasion. I should mount a 1,000,000 Candlepower Spot light on my rear deck.  Lessee how you like it, Fuck Stick!

Ahh All better now. Hope I covered the basics, Anyone else will just have to wait their turn. If I forgot any categories please feel free to include them in the comments below.

What ties us all together as Humans is our misguided, but deep-rooted, belief that we are good drivers! Happy Motorvating!

A Drink cup full of Awesome Sauce!

So… The last post was kinda heavy and fraught with profane linguistics. To remunerate any disgruntlement please ruminate on the following.

Yesterday was a day of domesticity. To wit I: cleaned house, did dishes, washed and folded laundry, retrieved younglings, and cooked. Pretty much a run of the mill day. What was special about yesterday and the subject of this posting is condiments. Yes. . . condiments. Many of us are familiar with the standard fare residing in our fridges. There are the requisite, Mayo(or bleeeakk Miracle whip more on this later), Mustard, Ketchup(not Catsup), Fancy mustard(read Grey Poupon . . . this always sounds gross even though it’s tasty) , Salsa, Relish, Hot sauce or Tabasco(I like Frank’s), Soy sauce(naturally brewed? WTF? Is there another way?), Teriyaki or Sukiyaki, Pickles, Sauerkraut. . . various cheeses and the list goes on.

This is the story of a less common yet completely and altogether more magnificent condiment. . . GOOP! 

Yes

GOOP!

For those who are not Olympia Locals let me explain. There is a Ma & Pa Burger Joint by the name of Eagan’s or Big Tom’s (either name will suffice). It is the best Burger and Fast Food eatery in existence. Yes better than Dick’s. Yes better than the In and Out Burger. When you taste a “BIG TOM” after your first bite you wonder why you ever eat any Corporate Burgers EVER! But I Digress. Their special condiment of choice is GOOP!

Now I Don’t know what GOOP really is. They won’t pony up the recipe because it is actually a trade secret. Originally, it was invented and manufactured by the Founder(BIG TOM)’s wife. Since then the recipe has been a closely guarded secret and I believe is now insured by Lloyd’s of London, (joking, joking no libel suits please). It is stupendously fantastic.

As I said previously I don’t know what’s in it but I can venture a few guesses as to its ingredients. Definitely some kind of white dressing, diced green thingies that taste like pickles, diced white thingies that taste like mild onions, some sort of yellow additive, and well some secret herbs and spices. 

Moving on. . .

Yesterday, I planned to have Fish sandwiches and chips(fries for you Yanks)  for supper as I have a Deep fryer and the blood has just been flying right through my arteries. However, I had no tartar sauce. How can one have Fried Fish patties on bread with no Tartar sauce? Easy. . . GOOP! So I boarded my personal motorized conveyance and motorvated on down to my local Eagan’s. There I asked the smart young cutie just how much GOOP she would be willing to sell me. (Extra GOOP with your order comes in 2oz plastic lidded cups for 50cents) She inquired as to the relative size of container I wished to obtain. I hemmed and hahhed over a syrup container size-ish. She suggested a 20 oz drink cup. I agreed. SO for 7$ U.S. I drove home with a drink cup full of Awesome Sauce! Yes Awesome Sauce! I did refrain from asking for a straw with my cup full of Ambrosia as she may have gagged. However, I did toy with the idea of a GOOP shake for almost 3 full seconds before realizing that it would be a waste of precious resources.

IN short Supper was the best Fish and Chips I have had in some time thanks to GOOP!

It goes great in sandwiches, on fries, Jesus it’s even good just smeared on some fucking white bread!

So if you have not yet experienced GOOP. . . do yourselves a freaking favor and Motor on down to Olympia Washington, grab a bite at Eagan’s Drive in, and Don’t Forget the extra GOOP!

P.S. I did say I would get back to the Mayonnaise Miracle Whip dichotomy/argument. In short. . . Mayo Rocks. . . Miracle Whip not so much. It’s not that I don’t like Miracle Whip I just don’t prefer it. Furthermore, I cannot understand why people do. If you like tangy white stuff just. . .

Wait for it. . .

Still waiting. . .

Get your mind out of the gutter, just put plain yogurt on your bread. And, wait there’s a whole group of people who don’t like White dressing of any kind. WTF is wrong with these people? What do you put on your bread? What goes in your boloney sandwiches other than mustard? Butter!!!! Are you effing serious. . . Butter!!!! Now wait just one damn minute! I realize that the secret to good cooking is in fact Butter. And butter can make the most amazing, super-fantastic, tremendous, miraculous PB & J ever crafted (try it. . . make it like mine. . . so sloppy you need a fork!)  But Butter has NO PLACE IN A BOLONEY SANDWICH! YUCK!! EWWW! Makes me want to scrape my tongue. Gawd how awful!

Okay I tolerate Miracle whip if there ain’t no Mayo left, but Christ, at least I don’t put butter on boloney.

And just saying. . . . for those of you who don’t like sauerkraut. . . Fuck you!

Infecting others with their brain rot

*sigh*

SO now we have another national budget passed, and the goofy-ass retards “we”  “elected” can be paid exorbitant sums for seeing how far they shove each other’s head up their ass for another 6 months. It seems that the older I get the more distasteful and asinine politics seems to get. Am I just paying more attention or is it really becoming a punchbowl full of turds?

Sometimes I think we really did lock up all the “sane people” and let the crazies out to run things. How in hell do these lazy motherfuckers get away with arguing so much and achieving so little. Goddammit! If I were this fucking lazy. . . If I did so little work that my company was forced to close my Goddam store I would be fired, . . . fucking FIRED!! No shut down, no negotiation, no re-election FUCKING FIRED!

But this particular episode of governmental chicanery is passed. Yet, after viewing “The Daily Show” last night and further Google searches this morning to develop my vitriolic venom’s potency, I have a new bitch.

J. Crew apparently put out a simple picture of their marketing ladies, Beckett by name, playing with her son. I’ve seen the picture. Okay so the kid has painted toenails. And. . . yeah their hot pink. Okay. Mom playing with son. Neat another shameless bid to pull at the heart strings of consumers with too much money to waste on expensive sweatshop clothes. Nothing new here and this isn’t my primary gripe anyway . . . no No NO

According to the fucking(I wish I had a stronger word) useless, shit brained, half-witted, overpaid, mentally incompetent assholes that some media outlets employ. . . this picture is going to be the downfall of the U.S.

Hot pink toe nails on a 5 year old boy is the ruination of all decency! Jesus on a Cracker! Break out the rifles, barricade the doors, board up the windows the fucking loonies are coming to “gay” up our entire lifestyle and break down our established Victorian gender roles. Ohh my GOD!

These uninformed, sensationalist, windbags need to be drug out into the street. . . horse whipped, beat with a lead pipe, brained with a candle stick, stabbed, hung, and shot.

Really!? Fucking Really!!!?

These dipshits even went so far as to stretch this simple photo of a woman playing with her son into a diatribe on. . .  get this. . “trans-gendered children.” Are you fucking serious!? Trans-gendered Children?

SO when my son wears his sister’s night gown because it’s got cool monkeys on it, is he “transgendered.” When I get my toenails painted “hooker red” after my pedicure am I “transgendered” ( I do BTW)

Now I’ve got my own difficulty with gender roles in the country. There is no reason why men and women can’t do the same jobs, get paid equal wages, and otherwise be viewed as adult equals in most arenas. I say most because I seriously doubt that any man, after seeing childbirth, would want to go through that. And I also think that to fight gender stereotyping in this country maybe women could be a little more creative. Putting on a man tailored suit and going out into a male dominated business world and fucking acting like a bull-dyke even if she’s not, is that really all you can think of? Women don’t need to be bitches to get their way. Actually I’m more inclined to treat a woman deferentially if she acts like one. Or at least treats me like I’m not 6 years old but in fact and adult. But that is another rant.

These media shit-heels should be censored. I know I know . . I still rant on and on about censorship and how its evil. Well okay it is. But damn. . .  to abuse a media outlet and let people who are part of the fucking problem further exacerbate gender inequality by even alluding to the fact that hot pink toenails on a kid is somehow a slippery slope into Gehenna is reprehensible in the extreme.

I don’t hate so much that people are saying this nonsensical idiocy. If it were a couple people in my own circle of acquaintances I could chalk it up to the simple, “well you’re a fucking nutter.” And leave it at that.

The very fact that this particular non-story melodramatic fear campaign was peddled on MAJOR NETWORKS, is ludicrous and makes me want to puke. Was it a slow news day? Were we already tired of the world coming apart at the seams and people dying from our own arrogant warmongering that we needed to INVENT some hysteria? I have a problem with this kind of crowd whipping because, I know how stupid the average person is, and well, half of them are more stupid than that. SO this kind of mock-scandal has a way of getting people who have no business in real society all wound up about stupid shit that doesn’t make any sense(although I don’t know if I am either). However, these people have a way of infecting others with their brain rot, and so on until I think I’m the crazy one.

Isn’t this kind of thing what we have a president for? To step in when shit gets ridiculous and put a stop to it? If I were king. . . . .

Each and every Network that wholesaled this irrational twaddle would be taken off the air for 12 hours and every person involved in the chain from the initial reporter all the way through to the broadcaster, execs included, would be slapped repeatedly until they either got some sense or were unconscious.

Oh and a side note. . . to all the Jesus Freaks out there. KIETH ABLOW himself weighed in on this particular non-news story. . . I quote, “This is a dramatic example of the way that our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity.”

Wait a second. . . . It’s a picture of a little boy with pink toenails, not a drag queen.

Organized religion, making stupid people more stupid since the creation!

Okay, I’m done now. (it was either this lame close or Fuck you!) I chose the tamer of the two.

50% actual words

Overheard last night on TruTV

“That set was mad dope yo!”

What has the English language come to?

Perhaps this individual meant to say, “Your performance appeared to be insane mentally deficient stunts randomly performed without regard as to flow or theme!”

Although from the audience reaction and the performing group’s reaction apparently the rough translation into actual English was closer to, “I am stunned to incoherence by your scintillating costumery, acrobatically difficult, and thematically seamless performance. Congratulations!”

Either way the original statement is just another example of the constant slaughtering of the emerging dominant language. (although this last statement is up for debate). The slang of the current pop culture is without a doubt the least comprehensible of any current manifestations. Yes yes  I know I sound stuffy. But how can we take seriously any idiot that uses only 50% actual words in any sentence!?”

I am not advocating any kind of language police(maybe I am). However, why do we as concerned citizens of our culture allow such radical departures from proper speech. I am consistently amazed with how small the average person’s vocabulary is. I used the word, piquant in a sentence to describe the chemical “hotness” of my latest culinary( it’s kyoo lin airy) masterpiece. My fellow gourmands then proceeded to ridicule my diction by proclaiming that piquant was simply a smart person’s way of inadequately illuminating the various nuances relating as to taste and aroma. As one fellow put it “It’s too damn hot!”

 My word choice and method of phrasing has been noted at times as being unconventional but I have cultivated this in the hopes that perhaps I will reach more people through their aural receptivity. Acting alone, I quest for better vocabulary and language mastery.

Why do the popular culture sycophants insist on reducing our culture to monosyllabic verbal ejaculations? (yeah I said it . . . . ejaculations. Read Robert E. Howard; there’s a novelist who could use it without embarrassment or derision).

I am left with a faint but deeply abiding bitter taste. Because I know I cannot stop it. Please please please teach your children proper articulation and provide for them the largest vocabulary you can. Then we can truly bestride the world as linguistic Colossuses, (or at least we’ll sound appropriately pretentious/pompous).

Watching our language fail this way is like watching your favorite dessert crash to the floor after 10 hours of work in Slow motion. Profound disappointment, mixed with pity, and an impotent slow-burning rage. Sometimes it’s so bad I have to stop eating and face-palm. So in closing. . .

“Oh stewardess! I speak jive.”

Hammer Toe= Un-dateable

Second hand from my kids:

   While waiting for my GF to finish up in the store my kids waiting in the van were treated to an awesome example of stupidity.  Some crazy bird attempted to negotiate a rock filled median in the parking lot wearing get this. . . .HOOKER HEELS! Seriously!? WTF!?
So this chick stumbles and does a face plant into the pavement breaking her nose!! My kids were treated to the arrival of 2 aid cars and a Fire engine. to administer to this dumb broad! I wish i had been there to laugh. Is it cruel to laugh at some one's obvious stupidity and the subsequent penalties Karma invokes for not having thought things through quite well enough. Let's break this down. . . .
1st Why in hell did she decide to cross the rock filled median? This is an admittedly poor footing choice even with everything else being equal. I too am subjected to Mistress Gravity's harsh remonstrances for attempting such crossings. twisted ankles, hyper extended knees etc. SO what makes this loony nutter go nancing across an obviously treacherous obstacle? The bloody level pavement was only 5 feet away!
2nd This is western Washington folks. Everything here is either damp or downright sopping wet. Wet footing = trip and fall = you looking like an ass! The phenomenal lack of proper judgement here is too gargantuan for literary description. Add to the wet the aforementioned ROCKS, and you have a disaster Scylla just opening its maw.
3rd and most importantly, why heels? I would like to lead a crusade against any kind of heel over 1inch high. I am so tired of women wearing heels. It looks fucking retarded. They make you walk on your tip toes, twist your ankles, blow out your knees, and cause hammer toe. Hammer toe= un-dateable. . . period. Guys if you like women wearing heels get your fucking head examined. This is without a doubt the worst trend in all of fashion. It is as bad as foot binding. Jesus in Jail!
An example:
     I was sitting at lunch the other day enjoying a homemade sammich when two young ladies pulled up to my store. I observed both travelling north from the south POV. The One wearing Heels was attractive until she started walking. Hips swayed like third semi trailer about to come loose. This image is not at all appealing. Her ass looked like it might fall off at any given time. She walked like she had a rod up her brown-eye and one look at her face gave me the impression she'd just smelled a bad fart.
Lady number two, got out in sensible shoes of a flat design, Keds maybe or Sketchers. Less sway same great hips, but in a hypnotic and appealing way like Palm trees in a gentle breeze. NO expression of extreme distaste but one of busy woman about town.
Who would you rather be? or for guys who would you rather talk to? If the answer is anything but Lady #2 you will find deep and abiding fleas in uncomfortable places within the hour.
I just don't get it. . . . The fashion industry is to blame too. All these skinny bitches strutting around in nighties and heels with no tits or ass. How sad has our world become.
Women don't wear heels, no matter what your piggish chauvinist men tell you, or your fashionista rag mags try to convince you with glossy anorexic waif zombie ads. Buy flat, wear flats, if you want to be even more sexy take off your damn shoes and go barefoot.
Men shut your cake holes and let your women be comfy. You'll get a lot more "polish the pickle" if she's not looking like you just blew an air biscuit up her nose.
Yep that's my story, fixing the world's obvious problems that others seem to ignore.
Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Sound Dad Faith

Children are without a doubt the most stressful, agonizing, and life changing job on the entire planet. It is also the most rewarding, secretly enjoyable, and terrifying. I love my children but am run ragged most days no matter how well behaved they are. However, the chance to experience the things i thought were gone forever, newly through my children's eyes is quite possibly the reason i don't choke them into unconsciousness after a particularly difficult discipline issue. I am glad every day that i am a father, but i do sometimes miss the "do as you please, come and go at will" nature of being childless. . . . until my children hug me then . . . .
well do you remember when (Jesus i sound old) we were just out of high school and we had some sort of celestial fire that lit our way. The world was our oyster and no matter how sandy and slimy it seemed we were gonna take it and make pearls whatever the cost and be damned!
Children are like that. Only not in a fiery thunderbolts from the heaven way. (although many times i think that i am paying off all the negative karma i accumulated giving my parents hell) Rather children are a soft gentle spark of the Divine wrapped in a smelly, loud, demanding blanket. It is the quiet times that i cherish the most, when we can snuggle together and watch a show one kid on each knee(this is getting more difficult they are growing like weeds). Somehow when i most need a lift my children give me a hug and some cuddles and life is okay again.
Kids are awesome, i never knew until i was a dad. Your capacity for love just grows exponentially when you have children.
Bonuses for parent hood
No fear ever of anything life throws your way. . except a constant nagging worry over your own progeny
Nothing ever grosses you out any more ever. . .I've been pissed on shit on, puked on, cleaned dog shit off hands, faces etc. you just learn to accept and deal.
You are always tired but you always seem to find some reserve of energy.
Best of all. . . . You get to be Superman. . . the way my kids look up to me like i am Zeus himself just tickles me purple!
Find a nice girl and have kids  it will do you a world of good.
Rule #1 stop chasing after crazy bitches. They are fun but by no means worthy of your attention.
Rule #2 Don't look for someone, they will fall out of the sky into your lap.
Rule #3 if you insist on looking maybe try for the girl who's always been there. Jesus dude do you not watch romantic comedies, life is actually like that, but with less shitty dialogue.
Rule#4 Take care of yourself. You must be okay with yourself before you can take care of anyone else, this is especially true of parents.
Keep the faith brother,
Remember I'm pulling for ya we're all in this together.

Earthquakes, flamers, and guilt

            Another Act of God strikes the world. Here I am safe in my snug little house watching everything unfold. Well. . 1^st things 1^st may the Gods watch over all affected by the tragic events at hand and provide for them as they need.

            Okay done now onto related topics. These are not to in any way diminish the magnitude of current events. They are only my comments and opinions as I relate them.

Thank GOD! Now maybe I won’t have to hear about the cry-babies in the US west of the Rockies as they mope about and weather(ha!) a winter that is a little more vicious than normal. Hay wake up folks IT’S WINTER! Alaskans don’t bitch so knock off the weak, sniveling why don’t you. Even up here in Washington we had a “multiple area Snow Event.” God’s Teeth! Is that a sick enough evasion for you. Now I am a wordy person but really if it’s gonna snow just say it’s gonna fucking SNOW! Get out the chains and plows and man up! And people are such pussies really. I mean over the course of our last little cold snap I must have sold 50+ sets of chains to people who probably weren’t going over 50 miles and even then were travelling well trafficked routes. BTW when you go to purchase chains please for gossakes have your flipping tire size you Jack-wagons.

SO here we are in Washington and it’s been confirmed that the Tsunami waves from Japan’s rumbler are striking as we speak. After a quick review of the available news feeds it appears that the waves in question are expected to be between 6inches and a couple feet. . . . wait wait wait. . . my arms are longer than that!! And the NWS issued an ADVISORY for this! Okay okay preemptively this is the smart thing to do. However, I’ve been to our coast many many times and those waves bigger than the predicted ones regularly. Even at my childhood beach on the Puget Sound the waves a freighter makes when it passes through the bay are at least this big. What sensational bullshit!

Now a word about the various news commentators online. Yes we’ve all heard by now it’s a terrible tragedy and yes we are praying and yes Jesus loves even you. And and and and please god stop! So We get these hypocrites who think that by commenting on the tragedy of the day they somehow absolve themselves of any real responsibility and so they feel better. We deal with these useless parasites in a minute.

Then there are the flamers. It’s nice to see that the act of inciting online rioting is still alive and well. I smile everytime some antagonist decides to mouth off offensively about whatever tragedy is striking the world. The only point they are making folks is that you weepy bleeding hearts are so easily provoked.

Back to the hypocrites. . .  Now having been enflamed by MrDicksnake at your preferred web news site you then go off and tell MrDicksnake what a “cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!”(1) And there you have it! Cycle complete. . idiots getting inflamed over idiots. Moreover, the bleeding hearts seem to take particular offense when being reminded that any natural disasters are in-fact excellent ways to thin out the gene pool. Although this is not to say it is an effective scalpel, rather these disasters are more like chopping off your arm because of a wart on your thumb. (there I said it I was just like those flamers mentioned above so what?!  Fuck you!) Why are these world helpers so incensed by this kind of behavior. They don’t like being reminded that nature is red of tooth and claw and sometimes life IS NASTY. I am pretty sure those Japanese Folks didn’t think they were gonna end up in the drink or worse when they got up that morning.

And another thing. . . . Now I am not a bleeding heart by any stretch. However, instead of running off to help the other folks thousands of miles away, why don’t we assist folks in our LOCAL communities instead. Maybe donate to the LOCAL food bank, Donate to the local relief women’s shelter, volunteer at the hospital, volunteer at a school. Lots of ways to give back to the very community you live in as opposed to saving little Hirohito all the way across the ENTIRE PACIFIC OCEAN!!!!! If you really want to brighten the day of someone thousands of miles away then for fuck’s sake send a care package to a soldier. Now I don’t necessarily agree with our current theatres of combat but I do try to help out soldiers when I can. These folks have no choice but to go where our politicians(and if I remember correctly we as in “we the people”) send them.

And BTW wherever you live there is some kind of natural disaster that frequents your geographic locale. So be prepared.

And as a final jab to the Jesus pray-ers out there Please don’t hold “vigils” to “raise awareness” I know that the world is a shitty place sometimes; I don’t need to be reminded. SO if you are thinking about doing the above. . .  Instead of trying to absolve your American guilt with an intangible ritual; donate money or volunteer. Jesus volunteered his entire life just for you. Think about it. Besides why should I care about your little causes; I’ll be in Valhalla 3 days before your god even knows you’re dead!!

At least I don’t have to hear about Haiti anymore. . . . . for awhile.

footnote 1  Clark Griswold

Cupid's Misfires

Waking up to passionate screams of "You Bastard!" and "You're a Whore!" today as channel G4 runs a marathon of "Cheaters" got me thinking about this whole phenomenon. I mean okay reality TV is brain rot anyway but this show makes me giggle and otherwise realize that there are very few adults in the world.
   1st if all anyone who hires a crew to follow and document their suspected significant others' fraudulent activities has some serious security issues. Why, in the name of all things holy, would you contact a TV show to air your dirty laundry? What kind of selfish attention mongers are these people?
   They are people ruled by the ID. According to Freud those ruled by ID are children. These people have no self restraint to deal with their problems in a civilized manner. Relationships should not and do not take precedence over making ones own life operate. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. Therefore these people are self centered jerks who shouldn't be in relationships anyway. They obviously have a deep need for some kind of self-righteous approval over their "cheating" other.
    Wait a minute. . . . Being in a relationship means giving of oneself to another over you own desires. Providing for the other person in and of itself brings you fulfillment. This is happening in NONE of the televised confrontations. Now are these relationships broken? Certainly.
   These publicity harlots should really be taking a look at themselves 1st.
 Now a little about how i perceive men and women. Women rule the world, any man who thinks otherwise is kidding and deluding himself. He is just a child thinking with the wrong head. Men must understand that women will get what they want/need either in our out of a relationship. If you are the lucky guy who is with a lady and you are providing for her in all ways then you have nothing to worry about. Be secure in the fact that she IS WITH YOU. If she didn't want to be or you are a douche-bag then she WON'T BE WITH YOU. This should be plain as day. Apparently it is not. The preceding is not to assume that men are blameless. I also mentioned Douche-baggery.
    Men if you are so wrapped up in your ill-perceived magnificence that you believe yourself a "player." For Gossake at least be honest about it. Women if he exhibits signs of "player-ness" then don't freaking think that you will be "the one" who will change him.
   This is like relationships 101. What's the first few rules that anyone who is in a happy committed relationship tells anyone else looking for such:
1) Be yourself
2) Be Honest--we're not talking about little white lies that keep everything civil we're talking about the big things---are your needs being met---if you can't differentiate then there are larger issues at hand.
3) COMMUNICATE!!
Weeping Jesus on the cross! It really is this simple. If any one of these 3 rules is broken the relationship will fail. granted sometimes it takes a while for these thing to manifest. Why? People change. However, people change only because they want to. . .  not for anybody else period.
Back to "Cheaters"  The cheating person is looking outside a relationship for something missing. Usually, it is a lack of communication between partners. If you communicate then you will be on the same page. Through communication the involved parties will find that they either do or don't share the same future vision. If there is a vast difference of vision then end the relationship and be done, don't worry about the rest, happy people are better people. Through Communication the involved parties can discern the intent of the other, #'s 1&3 are about deception. If either one is broken then partners are doomed to failure. Why is this so hard?
It is hard for 1 reason. Emotional baggage. Emotions are not in any way rational. Life is not rational either but it takes rationality to work. Therefore emotions cannot and should not rule life.
If you are okay, then you can help someone else who is okay work out and tackle life's problems together and be okay. Anything else is illusion.
Of course. . . the preceding notwithstanding sometimes people are just shitheads and there is no hope at all.

Garlic Auto Parts and a Jedi

Yeah, okay so the bread last night was slightly better than the 1st. Still it was a giant biscuit loaf flavored garlic rather than a nice fluffy loaf of bread. Apparently there are no "quick garlic bread scratch" recipes that crank out a fluffy loaf of buttery crusty goodness. Ohh well i tried. As such it isn't very hard to throw some ingredients in the bread maker and whip up a yeast leavened loaf rather than a chemical one.

on an unrelated topic. I work in the auto parts business. As such sometimes i get customers with unique requests. . . such as a 51' Hudson Hornet. "Okay dude. I'll see what i can score. What do you need? Drum brake shoes, both front and back? Alllll-RIghty then. . . . Well i got the rear and fronts they'll be here tomorrow morning. . . . ==flash forward===. . . you can't get them right now cuz you can't get the drums off. . . lame well we'll hold 'em till you can pick them up.
===Flash forward 4 weeks===
"Hudson Hornet yeah okay we got your parts. . . what!?  The front shoes don't match.  Well. . . .  okay ummm. . . . No I've no idea why. . you might try to match them up on-line and give us a call or you can try Cut Rate."
(Side note: any local of Oly WA "Knows" about Cut Rate Auto Parts. Awesome, but a little on the odd side.)
So I sent my Hudson customer to Cut Rate on a long shot. . .  SO the bloke walks in and gets helped by the newest noob there. Doesn't even have a name tag yet.
(a little about the A P Business there's a certain amount of "street cred" that goes into the business; if you don't know what your talking about, or never can get parts,  if you are a useless parts man who can't look up, find, or otherwise solve folks' parts issues you don't survive very long in the business.)  I digress. . .
SO this Noob
 (now this noob has ZERO (0) street cred)
takes one look at the Hudson customer's front brake shoes and  He goes, "Hmm, well those shoes are off a 50's Ford, I'll be right back."
Guy goes into the back comes out with a non-descript box, opens it up and the shoes match EXACTLY!
Now that is some serious Jedi stuff there. Kudos to the Noob at Cut Rate. Got my guy his parts. Awesome!

Had 1 other customer of note yesterday. . . 4 weeks ago came looking for a 54 Studebaker Freeze plug.  So I'm thinking, "What in hell is a Freeze Plug?" As such I look around, but to no avail. I've got 'em but they're organized by measurement not by engine or make/model. Anyway i send the bloke to Studebaker or at least get the measurements and I'll fake it from there. Last night he comes in "I need a 1.5 inch Brass freeze plug for a 54 Studebaker silver hawk with a v-8. Bang got it. . .  how much?     $1.57. . . . . Auto parts has its odd moments
When you go please make sure you have right off, Year, Make, Model and Engine. . . it helps us all out.

Net Garlic bread

Well the 1st recipe was as easy as it said. However, It's more like garlic-salt biscuits shaped square than garlic "bread." As such it ain't bad but needing some sauce to counteract the "breadyness" of it. not bad just not quite. . . .  it. Pizza sauce from a jar livens it up rather a little bit. It's a hit with the smalls for lunch!! So WIN! Got the other one in the fridge for tonight. We'll see how it goes for supper.

   in a side note, the title is from the mouths of my kids but not bad for random askings. It is certainly better than any snarky sayings i could come up with off the top of my head and i didn't want to be cliche` so there. As for the answer to the titular question. . . comments are welcome. but don't be rude. crass, obtuse and even outright obnoxious but never rude.

Garlic bread and the web

To make supper easier today I used a family recipe and got the main course going. However, a quick musing determined that another side would be in order to feed our ravenous family of five. TO this end I consulted the all knowing Google. First of all let me say here that Google does know all but I REALLY don't like it second guessing me and suggesting topics after the 1st few letters. Cheese on toast I can think for myself I am not a Sheeple. . . . . Now a relatively simple search of "Garlic Bread Quick Scratch" turned up the usual few billion hits. The 1st ten of which are probably most useful. Why so many hits? If people know how to research properly a few simple terms are all you need much less the countless hits that range from growing Garlic while baking bread to scratching quickly with a garlic clove to relieve an itch. SO really just give me the top ten and we'll call it a day Google. If Idon't find what I'm looking for there then I'll adjust my parameters.
    But having turned up the search in question I found but 2 that were actual "scratch recipe" everything else required a pre-made loaf of bread. Since when is pre-made bread smeared with butter and garlic SCRATCH!!? Now I'm not saying that I don't do it this way but I am also poor. SO just nipping out and throwing even 3 dollars down for a loaf of factory bread is out of the question. I have the ingredients for home bread so why not?  DO people not actually cook(bake) anymore?
The preceding being said, those of you who just toddle off to the local market for garlic bread and refuse to attempt it any other way are WEAK!! let me rephrase. .  YOU are insignificant cooks who urinate on the craftsmanship and artistry of the humble household kitchen. Try harder, and do better. . . you may surprise yourself. to this end i am off to make my garlic bread from one of the two recipes I found that were of most help, took me less than 2 minutes to find and digest the ramifications. SO there you LAZY Chefs. . . .